the truth is that i need to stop imagining what my life looks like through your eyes
friendly reminder: let go or get dragged
crazy to think you can go from “i wish i met you sooner so i could love you for longer. my love for you reaches the past and makes a place for you” to “i need to know what life looks like without you”
for, perhaps, the first time, I find myself reaching for more. I wish I had met you sooner, that we had met first. my love for you reaches my past and makes a place for you.
jokes about being in the streets when i really belong in the mountains, lakes, sunshine, and sandy beaches.
i never understood the concept of a best friend. maybe because i’ve never had one or deemed anyone worthy to hold such a title. i’m not entirely sure i believe the concept.
what i do believe in are people who make you more you, who lead you back to yourself, and remind you of exactly who you are.
the fragility of the male ego truly is incredible. lord, help them because we really don’t have time for this nonsense.
Also send me someone who can prove me wrong. Kthx. Bye.
Lord, send me a man who for once is not afraid of or intimidated by me.
Is it racist to say that I only date men of color? It’s not about the color of their skin. It’s about shared experiences. I don’t see how I could ever be with someone who doesn’t understand my struggles. Who doesn’t know what it feels like to be otherized…to be rejected by the only country you’ve ever known, to not have a place where you belong.
So excuse me for not being down for someone who couldn’t possibly have any idea what it’s like to be me, to be a person of color, to be judged and categorized before you even open your mouth. I’m not saying that I would never date a white guy…it’s just that the reality of being able to connect with someone without them understanding what it feels like to be me or anyone that looks like me seems unlikely.
And maybe I’m being dramatic. But the more time I spend away from other minorities and people of color, the more frustrated and angry I become. Because every day is a battle. Where I have to convince people that something was racially charged or what the hell a microaggression is. Every day I have to justify these feelings and prove their validity. Do you know what it’s like to constantly feel invalidated? To have to justify your pain?
Sometimes I catch myself believing them. Buying into their bullshit. Making excuses for them. All the while feeling as small as ever. I’m losing my grip.
Resolutions?
- Exercise at least 4x a week
- Stop using phone after 8PM (unless FaceTiming family)
- Do all readings – or split them with someone (Economic Survey of Latin America; IR Theories)
- Love yourself (actively - take care of yourself, don’t be influenced by other people - be your own person)
- Pray
Any guesses as to which L I am referring to? Love? Losses? Lesbians?
I’m talking about loneliness. I’ve taken a lot of L’s since I’ve been here, but the biggest one of them all has got to be loneliness. It’s not the kind where I want a boyfriend or a romantic relationship. Please, men ain’t shit (post to come soon).
It’s the yearning for the level of comfort that can only be given by and shared between close friends and family. The kind that can only be forged either over a long period of time or by incredible chemistry and vulnerability. You know what I’m talking about.
To a certain degree, I think everyone here is lonely. Or perhaps I just think that in an effort to make myself feel better. I tend to do that a lot. Allora. Everything just seems so forced. It’s a bunch of people dumped into one program in Italy, where we know no one else. In a sense, we are all we got. Now whether or not this is terrifying or comforting is up for debate.
It also doesn’t help that by the nature of our program and the type of people it attracts, everything is just super focused and intense. It seems like everything is stained with superficiality and formality. Everyone is obsessed with and consumed by classes (myself included). Most of the student clubs are just “informal” versions of concentrations and classes. Why these people want or feel the need for this is beyond me. We’re paying thousands of dollars for these classes…what makes you think your underfunded club is going to be any better? But then again, people just want to feel important (and some classes here are actual trash). Who am I to hold that against them? My point is that it’s like there’s no room or time to talk about anything else or to develop real friendships.
With SAIS being a school flowing with Type-A control freaks, you can only imagine how competitive it is. The worst part is that it’s low key, passively competitive. It’s the elephant in the room that no one addresses. We’re all nice and polite, but we’re also fake AF, feigning worldliness and knowledgeability or having some semblance of a clue. It’s like real life photoshop in real time. And, in the words of Kendrick Lamar, “I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THE PHOTOSHOP. SHOW ME SOMETHING NATURAL.”
I don’t care what you did or want to do or what your career goals are. Who are you? What makes you tick? What gives you purpose? Who are you aside from your accomplishments and trophies? If you had nothing, who would you be?
This level of bullshit is soul-smothering. Do you hear that? It’s my soul dying. Rest in pieces.
Maybe I’m just being angsty and judgmental or a negative Nancy. But, I like to think that I’m entitled to my opinions. I’m bitching to avoid talking about how I’m lonely. It’s one hell of a defense mechanism. I just have a lot of feelings. (This has got to be the most verbal diarrhea post yet).
I do have friends. And, I think they’re all incredible people and I like and respect them a lot. But, I’m just not sure if these friendships are necessarily meaningful or if any real connections are transpiring. It could just be a matter of time…or not. And, I hate to write this because I don’t want to offend any of my friends here. But, I can’t be the only one feeling this way. Is it possible for someone to feel a connection in a friendship if the other doesn’t?
I don’t want eye candy or cheap acquaintanceships or networks. I want soul food. And, I’m fucking hungry.
